The American Christmas Tree Association estimates that more than 95 million households celebrated the holiday season with a Christmas tree. But there’s a striking lack of consensus as to when the tree and decorations should be taken down. “How long is too long” is debated at Christmas dinner tables.
According to Good Housekeeping (and Christian tradition dating back to the 4th century), many mark the end of the season on the Twelfth Night — the eve of the Epiphany, which just happens to be tonight. The magazine warns: Leaving your decorations up after this date is thought to bring bad luck. Your neighbor Ralph throws caution to the wind, keeping his lights aglow until April or May.
No matter your holiday deconstruction regimen, January for many is a month of fresh starts. It also marks a return to comfortable routines. If you have school-age children, they may have admitted to boredom at the end of their winter break, feeling ready (and perhaps excited) to get back to their studies and friends. Parents, too, are eager to reclaim the rhythm of a regular schedule.
Not all students relish returning to school, however. Academics aside, interpersonal dynamics create formidable challenges for some that can escalate into trouble at school, leading to harm if left unchecked. Sometimes, the root cause is problems at home, but even a fight with a best friend can trigger hurtful behavior.
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Physiological factors can play a part, too: Writing for Edutopia, Heather Wolpert-Gawron says, “When we ask students to make good decisions, their brains might not yet be wired to do what we are asking of them. That doesn’t mean we don’t have rules or expectations. But it does mean that we must acknowledge that children’s brains are still under construction.” She notes that the part of the brain that houses impulse control doesn’t become fully formed until the early 20s.
Restorative justice practices are a time-proven response to addressing harm, rooted in ancient traditions from around the world. At the National Conflict Resolution Center, we’ve been working with San Diego Unified schools and students for more than five years, providing tools and training in restorative practices. The work is centered on building, maintaining and repairing the relationships that are essential to strong school communities.
Restorative justice employs three useful principles that can guide your interactions with the children and teens in your life when they face the inevitable interpersonal challenges — even before matters escalate.
1. Consider the harms and needs of both sides. In any “right and wrong” situation, there are reasons for the behavior. If your child feels hurt, help them recognize that the person who caused it may feel hurt and need healing, too. Wolpert-Gawron describes it as “empathy for all and by all.”
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2. Saying “I’m sorry” is a good start but may not be enough. Consider bringing both sides together, which creates an opportunity to resolve differences through dialogue. At NCRC, we facilitate restorative conferences that include the student responsible for the harm and the parties impacted, including community members. They engage in an open and honest discussion about what happened and its effect on each of them.
3. Determine a course of action to set things right. Make sure it’s achievable, because accountability is important. Our restorative conferencing culminates in a graduation ceremony that celebrates the students who committed to and completed their action plan.
For many of us, the practice of restorative justice requires a reorientation. When harm occurs, we tend to focus on the rules broken and the consequences for the offender. A better approach is to ask these questions: Who was harmed? What are their needs? How can the harm be healed? As these questions are answered, it will be easier for everyone to move forward.
Steven P. Dinkin is president of the National Conflict Resolution Center (NCRC), a San Diego-based organization that is working to create innovative solutions to challenging issues, including intolerance and incivility. NCRC is nationally recognized for its conflict management and communication strategies. To learn about NCRC’s programming, visit www.ncrconline.com.
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January 05, 2020 at 08:02PM
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